The Jolly Ball

March 20, 2009


This morning I batted my eyelashes at Alfred and said, “Honey, do you know what tomorrow is?”

“Nope,” he replied.

“It’s our Anniversary.” I gentle reminded him.

“Well, that’s a first.” He said.

“I know this is the first time I remembered the date, but you don’t have to be so crabby about it.”

“How many years have we been married?” He asked.

“Got a calculator?” I asked.

“What year did we get married?” He pushed even further.

“I don’t know…..1991 maybe 92, oh wait 93.” I said proudly.

“Wrong, you get nothing again this year.”

“Well, maybe I’m just so happy with you that I can’t keep tracked of the wonderful years that have flown by.” I said, trying to mask the fact that I have never remembered what year; day or date we tied the knot.

“Nice try, you can have that Jolly Ball you’ve been asking for since the horses got here.”

“Wait one minute Mister,” I snapped. “I need that Jolly Ball for Moose. Moose is your horse.”

He looked at me and I knew it was another anniversary I screwed up. Defeated I grabbed my keys and headed over to Tractor Supply. I was divided between the many colors they come in. Finally, I had it down to two, red or purple. I went with the red. Happy as can be, I drove home singing along with Garth and Trisha, “In another’s eyes.”

Once home, I waited for Alfred to finish up on the phone so he could see Moose receive his new toy. I held it out and the jackass runs off like I pulled a knife on him.

“What are you trying to do scare him to death,” he said, running into the yard to comfort the big lug.

I picked up the Jolly Ball and walked down to the barn wondering how I had been so wrong about Moose not enjoying a Jolly Ball. He picks up everything he gets near. My lawn chairs, hay stands that Alfred has made, and he is now chewing on the handles of the wheel barrel. I get splinters. The boy needs a Jolly Ball. I’m pretty much tired of being squirted with the hose because he has picked it up by the nozzle spraying everyone but himself. I put the Jolly Ball down in the middle of the yard and went into the house to spy on him from the kitchen windows.

He started eating grass in a circle around the Jolly Ball. Slowly he moved toward it and I’m cheering him on from inside the house. He’s about to touch it with his nose and ‘WHAM’ Natasha shows up from out of no where and kicks him. My neck extends like E.T.’s and my eyes bulge out of my head. I run into the yard to see if he’s okay. I am not the best person to be checking on him because the Mafia Princess has just kicked him and her two legged side kick is running through the yard directly towards him. He puts his head up, nostrils flaring, and he is backing away from the Jolly Ball and me as fast as he can.

“It’s okay Moose,” I say, extending my arms in a bear hug position. “Mommy just wanted you to have a Jolly Ball to play with.” I gently rub his neck and he begins to calm down. I put the Jolly Ball on the side of the barn and go back into the house to finish the cleaning I had started.

I take a quick peek into the yard and ‘WHAM’, Natasha comes from behind the barn and kicks him again as he’s nosing the Jolly Ball. I have a few colorful metaphors that escape my lips as I race into the yard again.

“NATASHA!!!” I holler, “What the heck are you doing?” She turns her butt in my direction and sashays away. “Geez, Moose, I’m really sorry. This is my anniversary gift. I really thought you would like it.” I put the Jolly Ball in the feed room hoping this will save Moose’s life.

All is quiet until dinner time. I open up the feed room door and the Jolly Ball rolls out. How can this be I think to myself. It has a handle on it. It just waddled out the door, handle staying on the side until it hits the ground. Now it’s kind of rolling and popping up and down from the handle hitting the ground, that’s when Moose and I hear hoof beats bearing down on us. He jumps in his stall and I jump in the feed room. ‘WHAM” Natasha kicks the feed room door. I pull my cell phone out to call Alfred to save us. The calls keep dropping because the barn is metal. More colorful metaphors are now spewing from my mouth. I talk to Moose through the wall, “Do you see her?” I ask.

The feed room door is suddenly jerked open and I wheeze as I suck in my breath from fear. Alfred is standing there asking me, “What the heck are you doing?”

“Nothing.” I say.

“You’ve called me four times and when I pick up you’re not there.”

I try to think quick, “My butt called you,” I said. I pull my cell phone out of my back pocket and smile at him. Thank goodness he knows the commercial I’m referring to.

“Put it somewhere else. I have work I need to finish.”

He turns to walk away and Natasha joins him in a walk to the gate, her butt sashaying in the wind.

I turn to Moose and say, “She’s out of control. He stares at me and I quickly add, “I promise, I’ll take the Jolly Ball back.”